People that Are Head Over Heels in Love with Apple

Do you remember that friend you had as a kid who loved to brag about his new toys? When I was a kid, I had a cousin that would actually call me up to show off his cool new stuff. I remember hating to play with him because he would always make sure I understood that his Batman action figure with the deluxe attack wings could kick the crap out of my Batman action figure with a regular cape. It’s not like he was wrong or anything, but he didn’t have to be a douche bag about it.

My Batman didn't need to sacrifice comfort.

But good news, America!  Now, making others feel inferior because you have cooler toys is totally acceptable! All you need is an Apple computer! With a mac, you can make any time appropriate for harassing someone about their PC.

Who would I hire at my business? Well, I wanna say the Mac guy, but he wouldn't know how to use any of our computers...

Best of all, you earn the  rights to the phrase “because it’s a PC.” Not sure when to use it? Let’s say a friend of yours is using that unbearable piece of inferior machinery he calls an HP. If he voices any sort of problem he has with his computer, you can respond “it’s because it’s a PC!” It doesn’t matter what he’s complaining about! He could be upset about forgetting to save a file or wondering why there’s a scratch on his laptop skin. It doesn’t matter how little the problem has to do with your friend’s hardware! Say it loud and say it proud! Ignore the term “peanut gallery” if it’s thrown at you afterwards, you have a Mac!

What an idiot.

Not sure if a Mac is right for you? Heres a short quiz!

1) Do you not know much about computers? (Don’t worry! not only do Macs have a friendly user interface, but with a Mac you can pretend to know everything about technology just by telling off those Microsoft-using bums!)

2) Does the picture below make you want to pee your pants?

3) Do you hate computer games? (XBOX games don’t count. You can keep playing those all the dang time and ignore that they’re made by the company you love to take verbal dumps on)

4) Do your friends ever call you arrogant? (Welcome home. You’ll fit right in..)

5) Looking for a little white computer that will hide your seminal fluid stains better? (those white Macbooks might be old but you can still find them for cheap. Like only a half the gazillion dollars you’re paying for the new models. Plus, you get Mac status!)

6) Do you love colorful beach balls, spinning around a thousand times when too many programs are open? (At least it’s not an hourglass, right? That would make way too much sense. Too conventional for your taste, right?)

7) Are two clicker buttons too many buttons?

8 ) You cool with being treated like a baby? (Don’t worry widdo guy. Mommy’s gotcha!)

9) Do you have a hard time fixing problems by yourself? (Awwwww don’t get fwustwated!)

10) Does the word “PC” make steam come out your ears? (even though Macs are technically Personal Computers too…but you don’t have to tell that to anyone using Microsoft…just keep on making fun of those guys)

11) Do you love, love, love misleading commercials?

12) After watching those commercials, do you hate dressing like a successful, professional person.

13) Are you made of money?

14) If you’re not made of money (and you can’t afford to upgrade every year when a new operating system comes out) are you cool with no new stuff working on your computer.

15) Ya like shiny things?

16) Hate pushing eject buttons? (It’s not laziness. It’s innovation. Just keep saying that in your head)

17) Do big, ugly, technical words scare you?

18)  Are you unaware of what a giant douche bag Steve Jobs is? (Yes? Oh good…)

19)  Do you need a pulsing light to remind you that your computer’s not on?

20) Does the expression “kicking them when their down” sound appealing to you?

Extra Credit) Do you actually believe Macs can’t get viruses? (good…good…………….goooood)

If you answered yes to any of these questions (or were just really offended), you’re perfect for a Mac! Go out and buy one! Who cares if you’re kids can’t eat for a few days! They’ll be fine once they’re learning how to almost use a computer!

You can't see it in the photo, but a thousand college students are kissing his butt right there.

In all seriousness, Mac’s are awesome. There’s a reason why they’re so popular. These jokes are just here to (hopefully) humble the kind of people that this post is all about.

Before I went to college, I totally wanted a Mac…then I went to college without one. Right now, after seeing tons of obnoxious commercials and being trapped in the line of fire for tons of d-bags who think their computers make them unconventional and better than me, I’m happy with a PC.