People that Are Head Over Heels in Love with Apple

Do you remember that friend you had as a kid who loved to brag about his new toys? When I was a kid, I had a cousin that would actually call me up to show off his cool new stuff. I remember hating to play with him because he would always make sure I understood that his Batman action figure with the deluxe attack wings could kick the crap out of my Batman action figure with a regular cape. It’s not like he was wrong or anything, but he didn’t have to be a douche bag about it.

My Batman didn't need to sacrifice comfort.

But good news, America!  Now, making others feel inferior because you have cooler toys is totally acceptable! All you need is an Apple computer! With a mac, you can make any time appropriate for harassing someone about their PC.

Who would I hire at my business? Well, I wanna say the Mac guy, but he wouldn't know how to use any of our computers...

Best of all, you earn the  rights to the phrase “because it’s a PC.” Not sure when to use it? Let’s say a friend of yours is using that unbearable piece of inferior machinery he calls an HP. If he voices any sort of problem he has with his computer, you can respond “it’s because it’s a PC!” It doesn’t matter what he’s complaining about! He could be upset about forgetting to save a file or wondering why there’s a scratch on his laptop skin. It doesn’t matter how little the problem has to do with your friend’s hardware! Say it loud and say it proud! Ignore the term “peanut gallery” if it’s thrown at you afterwards, you have a Mac!

What an idiot.

Not sure if a Mac is right for you? Heres a short quiz!

1) Do you not know much about computers? (Don’t worry! not only do Macs have a friendly user interface, but with a Mac you can pretend to know everything about technology just by telling off those Microsoft-using bums!)

2) Does the picture below make you want to pee your pants?

3) Do you hate computer games? (XBOX games don’t count. You can keep playing those all the dang time and ignore that they’re made by the company you love to take verbal dumps on)

4) Do your friends ever call you arrogant? (Welcome home. You’ll fit right in..)

5) Looking for a little white computer that will hide your seminal fluid stains better? (those white Macbooks might be old but you can still find them for cheap. Like only a half the gazillion dollars you’re paying for the new models. Plus, you get Mac status!)

6) Do you love colorful beach balls, spinning around a thousand times when too many programs are open? (At least it’s not an hourglass, right? That would make way too much sense. Too conventional for your taste, right?)

7) Are two clicker buttons too many buttons?

8 ) You cool with being treated like a baby? (Don’t worry widdo guy. Mommy’s gotcha!)

9) Do you have a hard time fixing problems by yourself? (Awwwww don’t get fwustwated!)

10) Does the word “PC” make steam come out your ears? (even though Macs are technically Personal Computers too…but you don’t have to tell that to anyone using Microsoft…just keep on making fun of those guys)

11) Do you love, love, love misleading commercials?

12) After watching those commercials, do you hate dressing like a successful, professional person.

13) Are you made of money?

14) If you’re not made of money (and you can’t afford to upgrade every year when a new operating system comes out) are you cool with no new stuff working on your computer.

15) Ya like shiny things?

16) Hate pushing eject buttons? (It’s not laziness. It’s innovation. Just keep saying that in your head)

17) Do big, ugly, technical words scare you?

18)  Are you unaware of what a giant douche bag Steve Jobs is? (Yes? Oh good…)

19)  Do you need a pulsing light to remind you that your computer’s not on?

20) Does the expression “kicking them when their down” sound appealing to you?

Extra Credit) Do you actually believe Macs can’t get viruses? (good…good…………….goooood)

If you answered yes to any of these questions (or were just really offended), you’re perfect for a Mac! Go out and buy one! Who cares if you’re kids can’t eat for a few days! They’ll be fine once they’re learning how to almost use a computer!

You can't see it in the photo, but a thousand college students are kissing his butt right there.

In all seriousness, Mac’s are awesome. There’s a reason why they’re so popular. These jokes are just here to (hopefully) humble the kind of people that this post is all about.

Before I went to college, I totally wanted a Mac…then I went to college without one. Right now, after seeing tons of obnoxious commercials and being trapped in the line of fire for tons of d-bags who think their computers make them unconventional and better than me, I’m happy with a PC.

Skinny Josh Peck

Do you remember the little kid in Jerry Maguire who cussed at Tom Cruise?

How about the fat kid from Snow Day who wore a robe in Max Keeble’s Big Move?

Well unless you’ve set high standards for the sitcoms you watch, you remember the (sort of) sit-com these two actors stared in on Nickelodeon, Drake & Josh.

If you’re like me, you can remember dozens of times when you were flipping through channels and Drake & Josh sucked you in with their barely decent jokes and innocuous, situational humor. Drake & Josh was rarely ever on in my home by choice. It wasn’t a good enough show to get excited about, but was just okay enough for white noise while I did something more entertaining like clip my toenails or watch my dog sleep. If anything ever attracted me to the show, it was Josh Peck.

Josh was the butt of half the jokes on that show. It was funny because he was just a short, fat kid that couldn’t seem to catch a break. Unfortunately, he must not have understood how comedy worked.

A couple years after the show began, Josh looked like he does in the picture above. Someone must not have told him that fat is funny. But this wasn’t so bad. You could still see some fat in his cheeks and he still had his Jew locks. Unfortunately, things got worse.

Soon, he looked like he does in this picture. He lost even more weight. The show that originally was about a guitar-playing butthole and his fatty stepbrother was turning into a show about a guitar playing butthole and some skinny wiener who used to be funny. And as if things couldn’t get worse…

…he grew his hair out and started wearing v-neck t shirts. This funny fat kid had turned into a skinny d-bag. But it didn’t stop there. Josh stopped shaving and fully opening his eyes. The funny fat kid had become a skinny d-bag who looked like he was feeding an addiction in between scenes.

Someone should have told him that he’s going in the wrong direction. Jim Belushi and Chris Farley, two of the funniest fat guys that ever lived, got FATTER and FUNNIER and only then did they start doing drugs. Wrong way Josh.

My best friend, Paco, asked me the other day if I noticed how similar Drake & Josh is to Kenan & Kel. Well, all I can say is that the fat guy on Kenan & Kel is on a major network now. All Josh has done since his show ended is star in some small movies, do some voice acting, and…oh yea, a Drake & Josh Christmas special.

Honestly, I wish Josh good luck…I just also wish him a ton of doughnuts.

Movies About Santa Clause

Vampires and Werewolves are cool again! Recently, the Twilight sensation has been everywhere. The latest movie, New Moon, made over $142,000,000 it’s opening weekend two weeks ago, and the movie’s three big stars (Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Robert Pattison) have been on all of the big network talk shows over the last month!



Regardless of how you feel about the films, we can all agree that its portrayal of Vampires and Werewolves are unconventional to say the least. The glitter-like effect the sun has on their skin in the Twilight Franchise is a drastic alteration to the much less girly effect it has in traditional folklore. This hasn’t gone unnoticed. Modifications like this are almost always the first thing ranted about by angry teenage meat-heads who feel threatened by the sudden popularity of something that’s not aggressive or shamelessly violent.

However, this isn’t the first drastic change made to a fairytale character. Santa Clause has taken more hits than Ed Norton in Fight Club. It’s no surprise that the change to this legendary figure has been mostly unnoticed by teenagers. Teen girls would much rather have an 80-year-old, bloodsucking stalker watch them sleep than an 800-year-old saint who wants to reward them with a blonde doll like the one that already made them feel insecure about their body.

Saint Nick was originally just a wonderful man in Western Asia who gave three girls dowries so they wouldn’t have to become prostitutes. I wish I was there the day some man woke up and decided that he and a thousand midgets probably made toy trucks in an inhabitable region of the world. That guy was easily nuttier than Stephenie Meyer, the author of the Twilight books.

But as if this fictitious conception of Saint Nicholas wasn’t crazy enough, movies like The Santa Clause depict the figure of Santa as a position surrounded by tons of legalistic technicalities. Any any tool-man that knocks Santa off his roof can be the boss of a bunch of ugly kids with jet packs that make out-of-date toys. (And the film’s two sequels depict him as the star of two awful movies..)

Movies like Ernest Saves Christmas portrays Santa as a old moron who mails his reindeer to the airport for some reason that was never really explained.

The Christmas classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, makes Santa out to a prejudice old man who hates people with funny noses. Don’t let that guy near any Jews. Sarah Jessica Parker will never pull Santa’s sleigh.

She will never be allowed to play any reindeer games.

I could go on forever! Twilight may have insulted the knowledge of thousands of Underworld loving Goths all over the country; but once a year, ABC Family broadcasts 25 days worth of the worst movies ever ignored by moms that just want something on TV while they vacuum.

The moral of the story is NEVER watch a Christmas movie starring an ex-porn star who’s sleeping with Jim Carrey. Santa Baby 2? Excuse me while I jump into a swimming pool full of used needles and razor blades.