George Lopez

Have you ever thought to yourself, “You know? I wish there was a late-night program that affirmed all negative stereotypes about Latinos.” Don’t worry! (In the words of Bob the tomato) Have we got a show for you!

...If backwards, racial misconceptions make you smile...

I am so thrilled that Conan O’Brien is back. Since his new show, “Conan,” premiered Monday night on TBS, it’s become almost impossible for me to avoid George Lopez, who allowed for his late night talk show to be pushed back to 12:00 am midnight when Conan agreed to come to TBS. In fact, my roommates and I now know that when we hear Conan say “Bye, everybody, bye!” it’s time to frantically search for the remote, which has almost always been displaced during the last hour.

Unfortunately, we have yet to find an escape before Lopez delivers a few of his opening jokes so we’ve gotten to know his sense of humor. I went into this post thinking that I would tear into Lopez with my words. However, it seems like that’s getting old. So to break it down for you readers, I’ve created a visual summary, using Comixed.

Enjoy

 

That’s pretty much it. He’s socially backwards, politically ignorant, and comically pinheaded. His show is just awful.

Decaf Coffee

Time for a history lesson. I want to focus on what might possibly be the most senseless, hair-brained scheme of all time.

 

Yes. Even more outlandish than That '80s Show...

 

In 1903, Ludwig Roselius and Karl Wimmer (two Germans who were probably held back a few times during grade school) steamed coffee beans with salt water before using benzene as a solvent to successfully get rid of the caffeine.

For the life of me, I can’t see the value of Decaf Coffee… Maybe if coffee was naturally delicious, I could get it, but why would anyone want to experience one of the least appealing flavors on the planet if it didn’t significantly improve their ability to function before the sun comes up?

 

Need I say more?

 

Of course I know that not everyone can drink caffeinated coffee, but is it worth it?

I submit that it is not.

Let’s switch gears to finish things off. Imagine a common, civilized luxury. Imagine your city’s fire department. Now imagine instead of saving lives from white-hot, flaming catastrophes, firefighters just drove around in their noisy trucks to look good, stopping every once in a while to save a kitten from a tree. Imagine a fire department like that, one that only performed a minuscule fraction of their duties. Dumb, right? Right.

 

Get out of the way! We have to get to a calendar photo-shoot!!

 

Decaf coffee is a useless fire department.

Joss Whedon’s “The Avengers”

I haven’t written in a while. A friend made an ambiguous crack about most blogs being too negative, and his inconspicuous, verbal kick in the balls made me cry myself to sleep.

However, I have recently been angered…and (at the risk of facing a million accusations that I will never lose my virginity) you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…

"HULK LOVE NERDY SEGUE!"

There are very few people who are more likable when they are angry, but the one person I can think of right now that might be is Mark Ruffalo (Shutter Island, 13 Going on 30, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), who this last weekend at the San Diego Comic Con, accepted the role of Bruce Banner (the incredible Hulk’s alternate ego) in the upcoming Avengers movie. What this means is that come May of 2012, a pissy Italian man will be useful for the first time in history. The angrier Ruffalo is in The Avengers, the more we can expect to see the Hulk…which will be preferable for me because I don’t think Ruffalo will make a suitable Bruce Banner (who is probably my favorite Marvel character). In short, a mad Ruffalo is a good Ruffalo.

Now, who is to blame for this casting disaster? I give you the face of evil, Joss Whedon!

*dramatic reverb!*

This last weekend at Comic-Con in San Diego, it was announced that Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse) will be directing the film, and that he had chosen Ruffalo to play Banner. Tragic…

Now, rather than continue my complaining about Whedon’s decision to cast Ruffalo as the not-so-jolly green giant’s true identity, let’s play a game. The game is called “Hmm. Yea, I can see that.” Playing is as easy as saying “Hmm. Yea, I can see that,” every time I show you a casting decision that makes sense.

ROUND ONE

If you said “Hmm. Yea, I can see that,” you win!!

ROUND TWO

If you said “Hmm. Yea, I can see that,” you win!

If you said “Woah, they totally look the same! I hope they put this much thought into casting the other characters,” you get extra points.

ROUND THREE

If you said, “Yea, I can see that,” I’d like to recommend a few optometrists to you. Give yourself extra points if your reaction was something along the lines of, “What the eff? Is this a joke??”

It’s sad to see that Banner is being represented by a man who could pass as the beefy lovechild of Luiz Guzmán and Fergie.

Secret, secret, I've got a secret.

And as if this slap in the face to fanboys everywhere wasn’t swift enough, guess which of the “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” Whedon has decided to leave out of the film? I’ll give you a hint. Even though she gave the Avengers their name in the first issue back in 1963, she and her husband will not appear in the film.

Give up? Take a look at the picture below and try to spot anyone your unfamiliar with.

Now, for those of you whose knowledge of Marvel characters is dependent on the films, the little man with the weird helmet is Henry Pym (Ant-man) and the little Chinese Tinkerbell is his wife Janet (Wasp).

You may feel the same way as Whedon, who dismissed the absence of Ant-Man at Comic-Con by bluntly saying “Ant-Man does not appear in The Avengers.”  These two characters might not seem important enough to sway your feelings about the film, but I hope you will consider how much has been taken from the real fans.

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS MAY CAUSE MEAT-HEADS TO BECOME VIOLENT!

Still not getting it? Let me spell it out for ya.

Bruce Banner will not be played by a scrawny, helpless man. I don’t blame Whedon for the whole Edward Norton fiasco that’s went down a few weeks ago because I can believe that Norton is hard enough to work with that his inclusion in The Avengers might be a problem, but at least Norton fit the bill. It seems like no one cares much for the Hulk, and I think that’s because they don’t understand him. The Hulk is about correction. Suddenly a little man who can’t stand up for himself becomes the monster that no-one can stand up to. He puts the meat-heads who push him around in their place, and his mindless fighting style leaves a bad taste in the mouth’s of his adversaries who rely on brain power. Norton did a good job of presenting that, and I think a lot of people were finally starting to get a feel for the Hulk, but I think Ruffalo might be able to screw the pooch. He doesn’t look defenseless enough to me. I don’t think I could take him. I just can’t imagine him doing the character justice. The contrast between the Hulk and Ruffalo is not drastic enough. I know that seems odd to say, but the contrast is the whole point, and I wish Whedon understood that.

And as if a casting mishap wasn’t bad enough, Whedon actually managed to come up with a bigger insult to fans of the Avengers series. Leaving out major characters like Ant-Man and Wasp is very, very messed up. ESPECIALLY when additional characters like Black Widow (Scarlett Johanson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner from The Hurt Locker) have been included for show. This is especially annoying for fans who have hoped that Marvel would begin paying some attention to their lesser known characters. Granted, Hawkeye and the Black Widow can’t really be called “well known,” but they are still secondary Avengers. Even Captain America, whose solo film is being ironically titled Captain America: The First Avenger, joined the team after Ant-Man and Wasp. Leaving these characters out of The Avengers is like leaving Angel and Beast out of the first X-Men film, and the continuity of that series is the laughingstock of the fanboy community! To be honest, the fact that I’m even able to compare The Avengers to the X-Men series sends shivers down my spine!  Unfortunately, it’s clear now that the vanity of Holly wood has found it’s way into The Avengers, and I blame Joss Whedon.

May Stan Lee have mercy on his soul…

_UPDATE  07.27.2010_

Today, many old rumors began resurfacing regarding Eva Longoria Parker (Desperate Housewives) possibly taking on the role of the Wasp in The Avengers.

The Wasp’s presence in The Avengers would almost solidify the inclusion of Hank Pym, though he may not be wearing his weird Ant-Man helmet.

Hank Pym has assumed many aliases since he first appeared in Tales to Astonish (1962). Though he initially went by “Ant-Man,” it wasn’t long before he went by “Giant-Man,” followed by “Goliath,” “Yellowjacket,” and eventually “Wasp.”

That being said, Joss Whedon’s statement at Comic-Con that seemingly blackballed Hank Pym from his film may have only been ruling out the presence of Ant-Man and not necessarily Giant-Man.

It should be noted that when filming The Avengers, Whedon has indicated that he will draw heavily from The Ultimates, in which Pym only ever dawns his Giant-Man costume. This could mean that we will see Giant-Man in The Avengers rather than Ant-Man.

Seems hopeful, right? WRONG!

While I still blame Whedon for the whole Ruffalo disaster, I’ve decided that Marvel’s president of production, Kevin Feige, is also to blame. Let me explain.

Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World), who signed on to direct a solo Ant-Man film more than two years ago, has said that his script doesn’t work for Whedon’s The Avengers.  Apparently, he and Feige talked and they aren’t sure it would be best to include this founding Avenger in the film… yea…

Nice going Feige. Just when it seemed that you guys at Marvel were starting to appreciate your own subject matter, you decide that a director with commitment issues should have more control over this character than Whedon (who isn’t off the hook either and never actually expressed much interest in the character). If you have half a brain, you’ll realize that Wright isn’t serious about this project and that an Ant-Man origin film would do just fine following Pym’s presence in The Avengers. If anything, The Avengers will introduce Pym to the majority of the world who doesn’t know who he is, giving them a real reason to go see an Ant-Man film.

Feige was responsible for firing Edward Norton (after he finally made the Hulk seem cool) and now this… *sigh*… You’re just the worst, Kevin…

People that Can’t Believe that Someone Might not Like Their Favorite Band

Has this ever happened to you?

A new friend or acquaintance poops a little when you admit that you don’t really care for Death Cab for Cutie..

Dear everyone who thinks that Ben Gibbard is the most talented man in the world, Google "itunes", download it, and have fun exploring music.

A white guy in your extended group of friends looks really confused when you make a joke about Coldplay

Oh! You like safe white guys who sing about sad things? Check out Coldplay! They'll make you feel like you're on your period or your money back!!

Someone asks you what your favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song is and doesn’t seem to believe you when you answer, “I don’t really listen to them.”

You know who I really wish would rest in peace?...It's not California...

Your dad acts like you just took a dump in your grandmother’s urn when you question Bono’s ideology.

If I tell you the coolest new thing in philanthropy is "not wearing stupid sunglasses for the blind," will you finally, finally, finally stop!

Don’t worry. You’re not the naive one  in this situation. This is a correctional message to all people who are ignorantly in love with their favorite bands but still join groups on Facebook, attempting to get a vegetable more friends then Nickelback (who I also wish would stop playing music).

We Are the World 25 for Haiti

In 1985, Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie wrote a song that was produced by Quincy Jones and Michael Omartian. The song was recorded by over 40 artists (including Dan Aykroyd…no I’m totally serious) and released as a charity single to benefit humanitarian aid in Africa.

"Famine, you ignorant slut!"

Of course this was a great idea! The song has brought  in over $60 million dollars since it’s release! Now in 2010, in light of the tragic earthquake that took place in Haiti this last January, over 80 artist (including Vince Vaughn…I know!! Can you believe it?!) have gotten together and have recorded a cover of the 80’s hit!…There’s only one problem…THEY’RE AWFUL PEOPLE!!

You thought my movies were bad?! Take a look at the destruction in Haiti! It will make you almost as upset as Couples Retreat did!

Basically we have a handful of recording artists, who are just crappy people, singing about making the world a better place. If you’re like me, then you aren’t comforted by a world that’s so postmodern that you can actually make a living by singing songs that promote illegal drug use, sexual promiscuity, and fixing the emotionally broken state of our planet…one of those things just doesn’t belong…. Basically I sat down and thought about the top ten artists in the song that are least qualified to be a part of it. I also have thought up their replacements.

10. Justin Bieber

Now I got no hate for Justin Bieber. If he wants to be 15 and sing about finding the love of his life then fine, he’s not the first little girly boy to do it. However, I doubt that he knows anything about helping the world…and if he thinks he does, I pray to God that he didn’t learn it from some of the artists he was recording with… His replacement would be

Instead…Tom DeLonge

He’s the lead guitarist of Blink-182 and the lead vocalist for Angels and Airwaves. Now I know what you’re thinking  and, I’m not saying that this guy’s a good person…but he is way better at pretending to want to change the world than Justin Bieber. He’s been saying that Angels and Airwaves is going to change the world since before Justin Bieber started covering songs sang by that guy who hit Rhianna. Granted, Angels and Airwaves hasn’t changed a thing (including the chord progressions they use to write songs) but Tom is way better at being a fake philanthropist than Justin Bieber.

9. Miley Cyrus

Yes please. Please get the daughter of that cowboy who sang “Achy Breaky Heart” to sing about changing the world! After all, it’s not like she’s totally sketch or anything. I mean, if anyone ever found sleezy pictures of her on the internet then clearly that would be a red flag! We wouldn’t want little girls to grow up thinking they could just flounce around, dating creepy dudes that are far to old for them!

Instead…Hugh Jackman

Instead of a little girl teaching girls how to be sleazy, let’s have a man teach little boys how to balance being totally b.a. and also being a little bit fruity while still maintaining an attraction to women. This man is a real hero. Plus, if you can’t trust Wolverine, who can you trust?

8. Pink

Really? Really? It’d be one thing if you could inherently rule out her name’s affiliation with the sketchy underwear company! But I wouldn’t blame you for having to look it up!!! Because she’s gross!!

Instead…Stephen Colbert

If you’ve watched his Christmas special then you know he can sing. Frankly, this guy probably should be higher up on the list, but I thought he’d want to beat out Pink because she’s corrupted the youth of this great country with songs about drunkenness and sexual promiscuity for too long! Let’s bump Pink so the song can get the Colbert bump!

7. Joe Jonas

Because he broke up with Taylor Swift over the phone in less than half a minute…Not because I’m particularly attracted to her…it’s just…*sniff* They were gonna make it!

Instead…Taylor Swift!!

This girl’s been keeping kids from getting touched inappropriately since 2007!  I think they should have her call Joe Jonas to tell him that she’s replacing him, but she’s gotta break his record of breaking the bad news in 27 seconds.

6. Nicole Richie

Yeaaa….just because she’s not friends with Paris anymore doesn’t mean she has ANY credibility as a philanthropist. She does heroine, drinks and drives, dates the lead vocalist from Good Charlotte! Those are three of the biggest no-nos there ever were!

Instead…Neil Patrick Harris

If anyone knows what’s good for the world, it’s Doogie Howser! He was a pretend kid doctor! I don’t know many people who could even measure up to a pretend kid nurse! He’s been involved with cancer research funding, and I know he would never date the guy from Good Charlotte…well, he is gay but I have a feeling that he (like the rest of us) still pretends that Good Charlotte doesn’t exist.

5. Fergie

Ugh. This girl is the queen of undeserved smugness. The only accomplishments she’s made in my book has been taking first in my own personal “Hot Body, Weird Face Contest.”

Instead…Neil Diamond

He’s one of the best songwriters of all time, plus he’s been involved with numerous charitable causes.

4. Li’l Wayne

Yea. I get it. I get that Jay-Z thinks that this guy is the next king of hip-hop, but…I mean, look at the picture…

Instead…Anson Williams

This guy was Potsie on Happy Days…yea I didn’t think you would know who that is…ummm His second cousin came up with the Heimlich maneuver! So his family has helped people! Plus if Lil Wayne ever started choking on a pill he was popping or his own vomit at a party gone out of control, Potsie could show up and perform the Heimlich!

3. Kanye West

Again, not because I’m into Taylor Swift…This is mostly for that time he posed as Jesus on the cover of Rolling Stone. Instead…Brian Littrell

Yea. We all know he’s the lead singer for the Backstreet Boys, but what you probably don’t know is a contemporary Christian recording artist so he probably wouldn’t take too kindly to Kanye posing as his lord and savior. His foundation, helping kids with heart problems, easily qualifies him over Kanye who probably gave children heart problems when they hear him without auto-tune on SNL…tragic…

2. Snoop Dogg

I can’t believe they even asked this guy to take part in a charity event! Forreal? I’m more inclined to believe that he just wandered in while he was baked out of his mind. He should have been off in his giant, giant, giant house writing more songs about being a gangsta from the hood.

Instead…Jon Foreman

This guy’s not only one of the best modern songwriters out there (in my opinion), he’s been an active philanthropist during the last few years. He’s been involved with a bunch of humanitarian causes including DATA, the ONE Campaign, the Keep A Breast Foundation, Habitat for Humanity, Invisible Children, and To Write Love on Her Arms.

1. Freaking Vince Vaughn

Please…if you’re not going to make a sequel to Dodgeball then please just leave America alone…pick on one of the weaker countries! One with national health care so they can afford whatever sort of surgery it takes to stand your films!

Instead…Brian Aaby.

Because he asked. haha Check him out at http://brianaaby.com/.

Oh and by the way, I totally think that what the 25 for Haiti did for the cause was awesome. Check out the video, buy the single, and pray for those suffering in Haiti.

Soup

What caveman woke up one day and though, “Gee, I sure do hate eating food AAAAND drinking water…it’s just so much work…but I gotta do both to live! ………Maybe I’ll just do both…at the same time!!!”

"Hey! What if we mixed the essentials of life in a bowl and sold it for $10 at the olive garden?!"

WRONG! Soup is stupid. I’m not saying it tastes bad, don’t get me wrong. I just think it’s the stupidest food ever. How could you explain soup to an alien without sounding like Tarzan? You couldn’t!

"How much do they charge you to eat it at the Olive Garden, Monkey-Man?!?"

Frankly, the very worst part about soup is that how unappetizing it looks! For example, here’s a visual list of soups, each captioned with a disgusting counterpart.

1) Ajiaco Soup

The stuff I spit into the sink every morning could pass for this Colombian bowl of crap.

2) Red Bean Soup

When you're feeling like a winner, then your butt blows out your dinner, Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

3) Borscht

"Let's put a dollop of sour cream on the leftovers from Grandma's Bone Marrow Transplant!"

4) Goulash

No sense in spoiling good vomit!

5) Lentil Soup

When you think your friends are joking, but your pants are brown and soaking, Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

6) Vichyssoise

"First one to finish this watered down mayonnaise wins!'

7) Gazpachos Manchegos

When you’re running down the hall, and something splatters on the wall, Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

8 ) Mulligatawny

"Put those leaves in that old Egg-Nog and EAT UP!"

9) Canh Chua

"I'm real hungry...Hey, you got some old food waste?!"

10) Chicken-Noodle Soup (yep.)

"Awww! You're sick? Here, let me pee on some noodles for you! I'm pretty dehydrated so I better throw some produce in there..."

If I had been crawling through the desert for days and one of these soups were the first food offered to me when I reached civilization, I might turn it down…Okay probably not, but I’d definitely ask what was in it before I accepted…

People that Look Down on Wikipedia

Has this ever happened to you? You’re having a conversation with a friend about something you both are interested in (let’s say just that it’s Jake Gyllenhaal’s weirder looking older brother “sister” Maggie Gyllenhaal). Your friend looks confused when you tell them that Maggie Gyllenhaal is actually not half human and half three-toed sloth. They skeptically ask you where you heard this. “I read it on Wikipedia.” you reply. Your friend laughs, asks you if you’re serious, and then informs you that you’re a filthy moron for believing what you read on Wikipedia.

Look out, kids! It's a wild animal!! ...oh wait...Nevermind, it's just a baby animal.

I recently read one of the posts on a very, very funny blog you might have heard of called Stuff White People Like. The post I enjoyed so much was titled, “Where the Wild Things Are.” In the post, the very perceptive writer notes that one of things “white people” hate the most is when things they like go mainstream. Part of the post reads:

“This is partly due to their fear that something they love will be made accessible to more people and thus enjoyed by more people which immediately decreases the amount of joy a white person can feel towards the original property. Yes, it’s complicated.”

Though the word is never used in the post, the author was clearly talking about pretension. People (of all races) hate when something they enjoy is made available to the masses. Someone who was a fan of the Adam Young solo project, Owl City, will likely be turned off to his smash hit single, “Fireflies,” since its rise to popularity in late 2009. Why? Because there’s nothing special about liking Owl City if everyone likes Owl City!!

The reason he wants planet Earth to move slowly is so he can enjoy this brief moment of popularity as much as possible.

I had a history teacher in High School who absolutely detested Wikipedia. She said that it’s information could not be trusted so we were forbidden to use it as a source on papers.  I actually really liked that teacher, but I still always thought that she was really trying to say, “This class isn’t supposed to be easy! High School is SERIOUS!!!”

Frankly, I’m not even very sure that the information on Wikipedia is unreliable at all. Every time I try to edit the Sean Connery page, writing that he discovered America and won the Stanley Cup in 2002, someone changes it back a minute later!

Sean Connery sailed the ocean blue in twenty-hundred-and-zero-two...suck it Trebek...

Bottom line, Wikipedia is great! Everyone loves it! Some professors at Harvard University even included the online encyclopedia in their class syllabi! Where did I read that? Guess…

Bible-Heavy Facebook Posts

Answer me this, if a Christian posts a Bible verse on Facebook and everyone is around to hear it, does it make a sound? More on that later.

Feel like you haven't alienated your friends enough? Have we got an app for you!

If you’re like me, you have friends that are hard to deal with. Specifically, I have a few friends that just wont stop talking about cars. All they do is talk about cars. When we get in my car, all they do is tell me about other cool cars and what I could do with my car. Personally, it just makes me want to drive my crappy car into oncoming traffic. It’s not that I think cars are totally stupid. Really, it just bothers me that they wont go out of their way to talk with me about something that might build our relationship. God forbid they talk about their family or a new movie. That might not satisfy their need to express their self!

Eventually, we could talk about cars once they had proven to me that cars were worth my time; but when they go on and on about cars without me giving any indication that I might be interested, they don’t exactly give any real reason to appreciate cars…

This could get you from A to B so much better than other cars!

Okay, now back up…what if I wasn’t talking about cars…I think that unless you ate Drano as a kid, you can see where this is going… The very last thing Jesus Christ told Christians to do before he descended into heaven in Matthew 28 was to, “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations.” Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of Christians think this means to get together in large groups and sing along to Hillsong United songs.

Christians are constantly doing things to push away the Non-Christians that they’re supposed to be showing love to. When they get on Facebook and post some sappy Bible verse as their status, they’re not giving Non-Christians any reason to appreciate Jesus because they aren’t displaying Christ-like attributes.

I understand that Jesus isn’t something Christians should hide, and I can understand a Christian wanting to express their love for Jesus to their friends. However,  I can’t imagine any Non-Christian getting a spiritual boner because of a posted Bible verse they saw on Facebook, and I feel like loving on Non-Christians is what the Christian faith is all about.  I think that they are much more likely to feel put off by their Christian friend’s post (if they weren’t already put off by the thousand other Christian stereotypes). They might as well be bragging about their food to a hungry person.

Are you hungry? Well then, allow me to talk about food!

James Cameron’s Avatar

Well, it’s been over a month since James Cameron finally released the film he has been working on for fifteen years. After seeing the film, I’m confused. What was this guy doing for fifteen years? The official story is that he was waiting for the 3D technology to be developed. Personally, I don’t buy that. Below is a scrappy, textual timeline which describes what I imagine he was up to for all those years.

Click the pic for reasons not to ask him for an autograph...

1994 – During one of James Cameron’s daily movie marathon of films he has directed himself,  Cameron notices his cat’s negative reaction to mention of the word “Skynet” (actually the cat is just constantly meowing out of hunger because James Cameron hasn’t fed him for weeks.  He’s been too busy watching all of his movies again and again). He decides his cat must hate corporate America as much as he does. Cameron begins a decade-long obsession, spending the next few months trying to teach his cat to walk, talk, and appreciate strong female characters.

1995 – After a year of failure, James Cameron goes to see Disney’s Pocahontas. He is asked to leave the theater after clapping and cheering every time the British military is portrayed as sadistic. He returns the next day and is again kicked out after sobbing uncontrollably every time the titular character does anything empowering. He returns every day for weeks until he is banned from the theater for punching a man whose wife compared the film to Kevin Costner’s Dances With Wolves (1990). Depressed, decides to shoot footage of the only mess bigger than him, the Titanic.

"What do you mean 'historically innacurate?'"

1996 – James Cameron sleeps outside the local Wal-Mart for three weeks with his cat waiting to get his VHS copy of Pocahontas. Finally in line to purchase his movie, he overhears someone describing the movie, Fern Gully. Intrigued, Cameron buys it as well. The next few months are spent in front of the TV watching each film again and again and again. Many trips are made back to the store to repurchase the movies after his tapes wear out. During one of these trips, Cameron runs into Linda Hamilton, his baby mama who starred in the first two terminators. He had forgotten all about his daughter since he got his cat.

1997 – James Cameron’s “masterpiece”, Titanic, is released in theaters. He makes tons of money which he uses to buy more cats, promising to stay true to his original feline friend. To tell his favorite cat from the rest, he paints her blue. Soon after his film is released, he marries Linda Hamilton. Cameron tries at first to hide his marriage from his cat, worrying she will be outraged at his unfaithfulness. Surprisingly, the cat seems indifferent. Cameron wonders if maybe animals are less emotionally complex than people. He laughs and quickly shakes off the notion.

1998 – James Cameron grows less happy with his marriage. He wishes that the intimacy he experiences with his wife could be felt with his blue cat.

1999 – James Cameron sees Star Wars Episode I. For the next few weeks, James Cameron pretends he’s in space. When he is asked to come to dinner, he’s claims that there’s no oxygen at the dinner table and sneaks off with his blue cat. His wife doesn’t stay with him much longer.

...say what you want, but at least Jar Jar didn't have a ponytail/appendage...

2000 – Surviving Y2K (or as he called it, “the rise of Skynet”), James Cameron shuns all technology. He spends all his time outside, listening to all his neighbors have fun connecting to the internet. He wishes he could connect to the tree outside his house instead of the stupid internet. He is joined by Suzy Amis, an actress who he marries soon afterwards.

2001 – Unaware of 9/11 because of his technophobia, James Cameron is enraged to hear that troops are being sent overseas. He can only imagine the villainous military from Pocahontas.

Watch out kids! They're just trying to steal your oil!!! Haven't you seen Avatar???

2002 – Cameron sees Star Wars Episode II. Cameron finds himself wishing he could ride the creatures from the movie. Still afraid of the internet and longing to legally marry his cat, Cameron mentally constructs a world where people sexually connect with animals for intimacy and trees for information.

2003 – James Cameron draws creatures for his world. He slightly changes the appearance of actual animals (adding two legs and odd shaped mouths), and is very please with himself (as usual). Worried people will notice, he makes them weird colors and takes away all their hair.

2004 – James Cameron is approached about creating a space epic. Excited, Cameron celebrates by growing his hair long. When he is told by his wife that it looks gross, he tells her that his cat likes it. He secretly wishes that there was a disturbing biological purpose for his long hair.

2005 – James Cameron watches a new show on Nickelodeon called Avatar: The Last Airbender. Excited about a show that is all about no technology, he watches it as much as possible, forgetting to feed his blue cat.

Wait...that creature has more than four legs...shouldn't it be in Avatar?

2006 – Cameron’s blue cat dies from starvation. James Cameron blames Nickelodeon. He swears vengeance on the cartoon and names his project Avatar so that Nickelodeon can never acquire the rights to the title and make a feature film.

2007 – James Cameron starts a rumor that he’s a creative genius. He tells everyone to tell a friend. It quickly becomes the most successful pyramid scheme known to man.

2008 – While watching Pocahontas for the 100,000,000,000th time, Cameron gets a phone call from Jon Landau, Avatar‘s c0-producer. Pressured to quickly design a storyboard for his movie, Cameron quickly puts together the first thing that comes to his mind, checking back on his movie from time to time for no specific reason.

2009 – Avatar is released into theaters. Liberals in theaters all over the country make Pee Wee Herman proud.

"I swear, if anyone uses the word 'predictable'..."

So there you have it. This is how James Cameron came up with that movie that’s making so much money. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a fan. Yea it was visually phenomenal, but it was about as original as a twelve-year-old girls Myspace page. It was all beauty no brains. Basically, it was the cinematic incarnate of everyone that sat at the “cool table” in high school. Ironically, I felt like all the army scenes were written by the kids from my high school that wore black and hated the Iraq war (even though they were politically uneducated).

I will say this though. If you like recycled plot lines, less-than-believable characters, and tooooons of bestiality…well, then this movie might be for you!

People that Are Head Over Heels in Love with Apple

Do you remember that friend you had as a kid who loved to brag about his new toys? When I was a kid, I had a cousin that would actually call me up to show off his cool new stuff. I remember hating to play with him because he would always make sure I understood that his Batman action figure with the deluxe attack wings could kick the crap out of my Batman action figure with a regular cape. It’s not like he was wrong or anything, but he didn’t have to be a douche bag about it.

My Batman didn't need to sacrifice comfort.

But good news, America!  Now, making others feel inferior because you have cooler toys is totally acceptable! All you need is an Apple computer! With a mac, you can make any time appropriate for harassing someone about their PC.

Who would I hire at my business? Well, I wanna say the Mac guy, but he wouldn't know how to use any of our computers...

Best of all, you earn the  rights to the phrase “because it’s a PC.” Not sure when to use it? Let’s say a friend of yours is using that unbearable piece of inferior machinery he calls an HP. If he voices any sort of problem he has with his computer, you can respond “it’s because it’s a PC!” It doesn’t matter what he’s complaining about! He could be upset about forgetting to save a file or wondering why there’s a scratch on his laptop skin. It doesn’t matter how little the problem has to do with your friend’s hardware! Say it loud and say it proud! Ignore the term “peanut gallery” if it’s thrown at you afterwards, you have a Mac!

What an idiot.

Not sure if a Mac is right for you? Heres a short quiz!

1) Do you not know much about computers? (Don’t worry! not only do Macs have a friendly user interface, but with a Mac you can pretend to know everything about technology just by telling off those Microsoft-using bums!)

2) Does the picture below make you want to pee your pants?

3) Do you hate computer games? (XBOX games don’t count. You can keep playing those all the dang time and ignore that they’re made by the company you love to take verbal dumps on)

4) Do your friends ever call you arrogant? (Welcome home. You’ll fit right in..)

5) Looking for a little white computer that will hide your seminal fluid stains better? (those white Macbooks might be old but you can still find them for cheap. Like only a half the gazillion dollars you’re paying for the new models. Plus, you get Mac status!)

6) Do you love colorful beach balls, spinning around a thousand times when too many programs are open? (At least it’s not an hourglass, right? That would make way too much sense. Too conventional for your taste, right?)

7) Are two clicker buttons too many buttons?

8 ) You cool with being treated like a baby? (Don’t worry widdo guy. Mommy’s gotcha!)

9) Do you have a hard time fixing problems by yourself? (Awwwww don’t get fwustwated!)

10) Does the word “PC” make steam come out your ears? (even though Macs are technically Personal Computers too…but you don’t have to tell that to anyone using Microsoft…just keep on making fun of those guys)

11) Do you love, love, love misleading commercials?

12) After watching those commercials, do you hate dressing like a successful, professional person.

13) Are you made of money?

14) If you’re not made of money (and you can’t afford to upgrade every year when a new operating system comes out) are you cool with no new stuff working on your computer.

15) Ya like shiny things?

16) Hate pushing eject buttons? (It’s not laziness. It’s innovation. Just keep saying that in your head)

17) Do big, ugly, technical words scare you?

18)  Are you unaware of what a giant douche bag Steve Jobs is? (Yes? Oh good…)

19)  Do you need a pulsing light to remind you that your computer’s not on?

20) Does the expression “kicking them when their down” sound appealing to you?

Extra Credit) Do you actually believe Macs can’t get viruses? (good…good…………….goooood)

If you answered yes to any of these questions (or were just really offended), you’re perfect for a Mac! Go out and buy one! Who cares if you’re kids can’t eat for a few days! They’ll be fine once they’re learning how to almost use a computer!

You can't see it in the photo, but a thousand college students are kissing his butt right there.

In all seriousness, Mac’s are awesome. There’s a reason why they’re so popular. These jokes are just here to (hopefully) humble the kind of people that this post is all about.

Before I went to college, I totally wanted a Mac…then I went to college without one. Right now, after seeing tons of obnoxious commercials and being trapped in the line of fire for tons of d-bags who think their computers make them unconventional and better than me, I’m happy with a PC.