The Air Buddies

12 years ago, Walt Disney Pictures introduced us to a Golden Retriever who was a substantially better basketball player than his wiener of an owner. And as if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that he’s also the MVP on the city’s youth football, soccer, baseball, and volleyball teams. Basically, this dog had become the biggest douche bag from your high school, but it was okay because he had no thumbs.

Sooner or later though, Disney realized the same thing that Travis from Old Yeller did, dogs only last so long.

So Disney decided to do what it always does, and milk the franchise for some cheap entertainment that would appeal to maybe eight children nationwide. Thus, the Air Buddies were born.

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These five puppies, each characterized by a sweeping generalization, don’t spend their time playing sports. Instead, Disney decided to throw the series in a less believable direction by placing the puppies in the middle of ridiculous adventures that have actually lost plausibility as the years have gone by.

Here’s the asinine play-by-play.

First they were talking puppies. Nothing we haven’t seen before, right?

Then, the talking puppies accidentally ended up as sled dogs in Alaska . That’s a little weirder.

Next, the puppies became astronauts. Kinda getting a little out of hand, right?

Finally, in their latest (straight to DVD) movie, the dogs save Christmas with Santa’s dog…okay what the F, David Blaine?? Am I right?

My best friend, Daniel “Paco” Chapman, has recently alerted me to the find of the century, The Air-Buddies DVD Combo-Pack! (Or as Paco calls it “The Everything that’s Wrong with Disney Pack.”) So now, just in time for the holidays, if you really want to chase away your loved ones, you can buy them 6 hours of video that would make Walt Disney roll over in his cryogenic chamber!

In short, in the previews for these movies, instead of saying that “Disney proudly presents,” they should say “Disney humbly presents.” Because anybody whose proud of releasing a movie about talking dogs in space probably has a learning disability or two.

People Who Think Guns are Cool

As a kid, I remember being pretty average. I played sports, liked cartoons, and I had a group of normal friends. However, I remember one day when I wasn’t so sure if they were normal. One day during recess, I remember one of my friends asking me which war was my favorite. What kind of a question is that? You might as well ask me which terrorist high jacking I thought was coolest on 9-11.

The weird thing was how much he knew about wars and guns. It’s not like any of his family members were in the armed forces. He really had no reason to know anything about this stuff. It seemed like he just assumed that I thought they were cool (like apparently every boy should) and wanted to show off his knowledge of  irrelevant weaponry.

I was watching the award winning HBO TV miniseries, Band of Brothers, with my floor mates at Seattle Pacific Univeristy the other day. During a really charming scene where a soldier gets graphically run over by a tank, two of the more headstrong fellas on my floor struck up an argument that made me question how I feel about gun control. One (the ROTC kid on our floor) started arguing with the other (the most stubborn, Right Wing guy I’ve ever met) about the kind of guns the Americans were using. It might have gone down one way if the argument had lasted all of five seconds, but something really rubbed me the wrong way as I listened to the both of them refuse to admit that they might not know every detail about a war that was over 46  years before they were born.

Why do so many regular people strive to know so much about guns? I get why someone in combat would. A good knowledge of riflery will keep them alive. But why would does a stubborn, Right Wing college student at a safe private university strive to know so much about guns when I assume he will never need to use one in his life? You don’t ever hear rap artists discussing the newest innovations in farming technology. Why? because they have no need for them (and because they’re too busy corrupting the youth).

Theodore Roosevelt always said to “walk softly, but carry a big stick.” Now that’s great if the stick is in the hands of a wise soldier who knows why they’re holding it, but what if the little nightmare swinging the stick is at half-mast thinking about all piñatas he’s going to murder with it? What if he’s a total doucher who bases a crumb of his Teddy-Gram sized confidence on how much he knows about that stick? Or worse, what if he doesn’t even need a stick, and just wants to talk about them all the time?

Bottom line, guns are NOT worth arguing about. Especially, while I’m struggling to sympathize with so many insignificant characters in Band of Brothers.

D-Bags

A D-Bag is someone who acts like a moron and thinks that their opinions are completely logical even though their opinions are actually directed by what people think of them. Most of this blog will be dedicated to them.

Ironically, 95% of what D-bags say is an attempt to convince you that they don’t care what you think (the other 5% is about their shirtless Myspace pictures). And if you don’t instantly believe that they’re apathetic about your opinion, they’ll try even harder to force the idea down your throat.

Put simply, they care a lot about you thinking that they don’t care.

Almost instinctively, D-Bags flock together to express themselves. Their habitats vary from…

Fraternities…

Gyms…

beaches (on the covers of GQ magazines)…

at bars, playing pool…

at car shows…

or at local parties, acting hood to impress girls…

More? Here’s a link to an informative video!

To sum it all up, if a guy starts bragging to you about his car, his newfound beliefs, that song he wrote, or his athletic ability; he’s a total D-bag.