We Are the World 25 for Haiti

In 1985, Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie wrote a song that was produced by Quincy Jones and Michael Omartian. The song was recorded by over 40 artists (including Dan Aykroyd…no I’m totally serious) and released as a charity single to benefit humanitarian aid in Africa.

"Famine, you ignorant slut!"

Of course this was a great idea! The song has brought  in over $60 million dollars since it’s release! Now in 2010, in light of the tragic earthquake that took place in Haiti this last January, over 80 artist (including Vince Vaughn…I know!! Can you believe it?!) have gotten together and have recorded a cover of the 80’s hit!…There’s only one problem…THEY’RE AWFUL PEOPLE!!

You thought my movies were bad?! Take a look at the destruction in Haiti! It will make you almost as upset as Couples Retreat did!

Basically we have a handful of recording artists, who are just crappy people, singing about making the world a better place. If you’re like me, then you aren’t comforted by a world that’s so postmodern that you can actually make a living by singing songs that promote illegal drug use, sexual promiscuity, and fixing the emotionally broken state of our planet…one of those things just doesn’t belong…. Basically I sat down and thought about the top ten artists in the song that are least qualified to be a part of it. I also have thought up their replacements.

10. Justin Bieber

Now I got no hate for Justin Bieber. If he wants to be 15 and sing about finding the love of his life then fine, he’s not the first little girly boy to do it. However, I doubt that he knows anything about helping the world…and if he thinks he does, I pray to God that he didn’t learn it from some of the artists he was recording with… His replacement would be

Instead…Tom DeLonge

He’s the lead guitarist of Blink-182 and the lead vocalist for Angels and Airwaves. Now I know what you’re thinking  and, I’m not saying that this guy’s a good person…but he is way better at pretending to want to change the world than Justin Bieber. He’s been saying that Angels and Airwaves is going to change the world since before Justin Bieber started covering songs sang by that guy who hit Rhianna. Granted, Angels and Airwaves hasn’t changed a thing (including the chord progressions they use to write songs) but Tom is way better at being a fake philanthropist than Justin Bieber.

9. Miley Cyrus

Yes please. Please get the daughter of that cowboy who sang “Achy Breaky Heart” to sing about changing the world! After all, it’s not like she’s totally sketch or anything. I mean, if anyone ever found sleezy pictures of her on the internet then clearly that would be a red flag! We wouldn’t want little girls to grow up thinking they could just flounce around, dating creepy dudes that are far to old for them!

Instead…Hugh Jackman

Instead of a little girl teaching girls how to be sleazy, let’s have a man teach little boys how to balance being totally b.a. and also being a little bit fruity while still maintaining an attraction to women. This man is a real hero. Plus, if you can’t trust Wolverine, who can you trust?

8. Pink

Really? Really? It’d be one thing if you could inherently rule out her name’s affiliation with the sketchy underwear company! But I wouldn’t blame you for having to look it up!!! Because she’s gross!!

Instead…Stephen Colbert

If you’ve watched his Christmas special then you know he can sing. Frankly, this guy probably should be higher up on the list, but I thought he’d want to beat out Pink because she’s corrupted the youth of this great country with songs about drunkenness and sexual promiscuity for too long! Let’s bump Pink so the song can get the Colbert bump!

7. Joe Jonas

Because he broke up with Taylor Swift over the phone in less than half a minute…Not because I’m particularly attracted to her…it’s just…*sniff* They were gonna make it!

Instead…Taylor Swift!!

This girl’s been keeping kids from getting touched inappropriately since 2007!  I think they should have her call Joe Jonas to tell him that she’s replacing him, but she’s gotta break his record of breaking the bad news in 27 seconds.

6. Nicole Richie

Yeaaa….just because she’s not friends with Paris anymore doesn’t mean she has ANY credibility as a philanthropist. She does heroine, drinks and drives, dates the lead vocalist from Good Charlotte! Those are three of the biggest no-nos there ever were!

Instead…Neil Patrick Harris

If anyone knows what’s good for the world, it’s Doogie Howser! He was a pretend kid doctor! I don’t know many people who could even measure up to a pretend kid nurse! He’s been involved with cancer research funding, and I know he would never date the guy from Good Charlotte…well, he is gay but I have a feeling that he (like the rest of us) still pretends that Good Charlotte doesn’t exist.

5. Fergie

Ugh. This girl is the queen of undeserved smugness. The only accomplishments she’s made in my book has been taking first in my own personal “Hot Body, Weird Face Contest.”

Instead…Neil Diamond

He’s one of the best songwriters of all time, plus he’s been involved with numerous charitable causes.

4. Li’l Wayne

Yea. I get it. I get that Jay-Z thinks that this guy is the next king of hip-hop, but…I mean, look at the picture…

Instead…Anson Williams

This guy was Potsie on Happy Days…yea I didn’t think you would know who that is…ummm His second cousin came up with the Heimlich maneuver! So his family has helped people! Plus if Lil Wayne ever started choking on a pill he was popping or his own vomit at a party gone out of control, Potsie could show up and perform the Heimlich!

3. Kanye West

Again, not because I’m into Taylor Swift…This is mostly for that time he posed as Jesus on the cover of Rolling Stone. Instead…Brian Littrell

Yea. We all know he’s the lead singer for the Backstreet Boys, but what you probably don’t know is a contemporary Christian recording artist so he probably wouldn’t take too kindly to Kanye posing as his lord and savior. His foundation, helping kids with heart problems, easily qualifies him over Kanye who probably gave children heart problems when they hear him without auto-tune on SNL…tragic…

2. Snoop Dogg

I can’t believe they even asked this guy to take part in a charity event! Forreal? I’m more inclined to believe that he just wandered in while he was baked out of his mind. He should have been off in his giant, giant, giant house writing more songs about being a gangsta from the hood.

Instead…Jon Foreman

This guy’s not only one of the best modern songwriters out there (in my opinion), he’s been an active philanthropist during the last few years. He’s been involved with a bunch of humanitarian causes including DATA, the ONE Campaign, the Keep A Breast Foundation, Habitat for Humanity, Invisible Children, and To Write Love on Her Arms.

1. Freaking Vince Vaughn

Please…if you’re not going to make a sequel to Dodgeball then please just leave America alone…pick on one of the weaker countries! One with national health care so they can afford whatever sort of surgery it takes to stand your films!

Instead…Brian Aaby.

Because he asked. haha Check him out at http://brianaaby.com/.

Oh and by the way, I totally think that what the 25 for Haiti did for the cause was awesome. Check out the video, buy the single, and pray for those suffering in Haiti.

Soup

What caveman woke up one day and though, “Gee, I sure do hate eating food AAAAND drinking water…it’s just so much work…but I gotta do both to live! ………Maybe I’ll just do both…at the same time!!!”

"Hey! What if we mixed the essentials of life in a bowl and sold it for $10 at the olive garden?!"

WRONG! Soup is stupid. I’m not saying it tastes bad, don’t get me wrong. I just think it’s the stupidest food ever. How could you explain soup to an alien without sounding like Tarzan? You couldn’t!

"How much do they charge you to eat it at the Olive Garden, Monkey-Man?!?"

Frankly, the very worst part about soup is that how unappetizing it looks! For example, here’s a visual list of soups, each captioned with a disgusting counterpart.

1) Ajiaco Soup

The stuff I spit into the sink every morning could pass for this Colombian bowl of crap.

2) Red Bean Soup

When you're feeling like a winner, then your butt blows out your dinner, Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

3) Borscht

"Let's put a dollop of sour cream on the leftovers from Grandma's Bone Marrow Transplant!"

4) Goulash

No sense in spoiling good vomit!

5) Lentil Soup

When you think your friends are joking, but your pants are brown and soaking, Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

6) Vichyssoise

"First one to finish this watered down mayonnaise wins!'

7) Gazpachos Manchegos

When you’re running down the hall, and something splatters on the wall, Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

8 ) Mulligatawny

"Put those leaves in that old Egg-Nog and EAT UP!"

9) Canh Chua

"I'm real hungry...Hey, you got some old food waste?!"

10) Chicken-Noodle Soup (yep.)

"Awww! You're sick? Here, let me pee on some noodles for you! I'm pretty dehydrated so I better throw some produce in there..."

If I had been crawling through the desert for days and one of these soups were the first food offered to me when I reached civilization, I might turn it down…Okay probably not, but I’d definitely ask what was in it before I accepted…