Skinny Josh Peck

Do you remember the little kid in Jerry Maguire who cussed at Tom Cruise?

How about the fat kid from Snow Day who wore a robe in Max Keeble’s Big Move?

Well unless you’ve set high standards for the sitcoms you watch, you remember the (sort of) sit-com these two actors stared in on Nickelodeon, Drake & Josh.

If you’re like me, you can remember dozens of times when you were flipping through channels and Drake & Josh sucked you in with their barely decent jokes and innocuous, situational humor. Drake & Josh was rarely ever on in my home by choice. It wasn’t a good enough show to get excited about, but was just okay enough for white noise while I did something more entertaining like clip my toenails or watch my dog sleep. If anything ever attracted me to the show, it was Josh Peck.

Josh was the butt of half the jokes on that show. It was funny because he was just a short, fat kid that couldn’t seem to catch a break. Unfortunately, he must not have understood how comedy worked.

A couple years after the show began, Josh looked like he does in the picture above. Someone must not have told him that fat is funny. But this wasn’t so bad. You could still see some fat in his cheeks and he still had his Jew locks. Unfortunately, things got worse.

Soon, he looked like he does in this picture. He lost even more weight. The show that originally was about a guitar-playing butthole and his fatty stepbrother was turning into a show about a guitar playing butthole and some skinny wiener who used to be funny. And as if things couldn’t get worse…

…he grew his hair out and started wearing v-neck t shirts. This funny fat kid had turned into a skinny d-bag. But it didn’t stop there. Josh stopped shaving and fully opening his eyes. The funny fat kid had become a skinny d-bag who looked like he was feeding an addiction in between scenes.

Someone should have told him that he’s going in the wrong direction. Jim Belushi and Chris Farley, two of the funniest fat guys that ever lived, got FATTER and FUNNIER and only then did they start doing drugs. Wrong way Josh.

My best friend, Paco, asked me the other day if I noticed how similar Drake & Josh is to Kenan & Kel. Well, all I can say is that the fat guy on Kenan & Kel is on a major network now. All Josh has done since his show ended is star in some small movies, do some voice acting, and…oh yea, a Drake & Josh Christmas special.

Honestly, I wish Josh good luck…I just also wish him a ton of doughnuts.

Movies About Santa Clause

Vampires and Werewolves are cool again! Recently, the Twilight sensation has been everywhere. The latest movie, New Moon, made over $142,000,000 it’s opening weekend two weeks ago, and the movie’s three big stars (Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Robert Pattison) have been on all of the big network talk shows over the last month!



Regardless of how you feel about the films, we can all agree that its portrayal of Vampires and Werewolves are unconventional to say the least. The glitter-like effect the sun has on their skin in the Twilight Franchise is a drastic alteration to the much less girly effect it has in traditional folklore. This hasn’t gone unnoticed. Modifications like this are almost always the first thing ranted about by angry teenage meat-heads who feel threatened by the sudden popularity of something that’s not aggressive or shamelessly violent.

However, this isn’t the first drastic change made to a fairytale character. Santa Clause has taken more hits than Ed Norton in Fight Club. It’s no surprise that the change to this legendary figure has been mostly unnoticed by teenagers. Teen girls would much rather have an 80-year-old, bloodsucking stalker watch them sleep than an 800-year-old saint who wants to reward them with a blonde doll like the one that already made them feel insecure about their body.

Saint Nick was originally just a wonderful man in Western Asia who gave three girls dowries so they wouldn’t have to become prostitutes. I wish I was there the day some man woke up and decided that he and a thousand midgets probably made toy trucks in an inhabitable region of the world. That guy was easily nuttier than Stephenie Meyer, the author of the Twilight books.

But as if this fictitious conception of Saint Nicholas wasn’t crazy enough, movies like The Santa Clause depict the figure of Santa as a position surrounded by tons of legalistic technicalities. Any any tool-man that knocks Santa off his roof can be the boss of a bunch of ugly kids with jet packs that make out-of-date toys. (And the film’s two sequels depict him as the star of two awful movies..)

Movies like Ernest Saves Christmas portrays Santa as a old moron who mails his reindeer to the airport for some reason that was never really explained.

The Christmas classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, makes Santa out to a prejudice old man who hates people with funny noses. Don’t let that guy near any Jews. Sarah Jessica Parker will never pull Santa’s sleigh.

She will never be allowed to play any reindeer games.

I could go on forever! Twilight may have insulted the knowledge of thousands of Underworld loving Goths all over the country; but once a year, ABC Family broadcasts 25 days worth of the worst movies ever ignored by moms that just want something on TV while they vacuum.

The moral of the story is NEVER watch a Christmas movie starring an ex-porn star who’s sleeping with Jim Carrey. Santa Baby 2? Excuse me while I jump into a swimming pool full of used needles and razor blades.

The Air Buddies

12 years ago, Walt Disney Pictures introduced us to a Golden Retriever who was a substantially better basketball player than his wiener of an owner. And as if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that he’s also the MVP on the city’s youth football, soccer, baseball, and volleyball teams. Basically, this dog had become the biggest douche bag from your high school, but it was okay because he had no thumbs.

Sooner or later though, Disney realized the same thing that Travis from Old Yeller did, dogs only last so long.

So Disney decided to do what it always does, and milk the franchise for some cheap entertainment that would appeal to maybe eight children nationwide. Thus, the Air Buddies were born.

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These five puppies, each characterized by a sweeping generalization, don’t spend their time playing sports. Instead, Disney decided to throw the series in a less believable direction by placing the puppies in the middle of ridiculous adventures that have actually lost plausibility as the years have gone by.

Here’s the asinine play-by-play.

First they were talking puppies. Nothing we haven’t seen before, right?

Then, the talking puppies accidentally ended up as sled dogs in Alaska . That’s a little weirder.

Next, the puppies became astronauts. Kinda getting a little out of hand, right?

Finally, in their latest (straight to DVD) movie, the dogs save Christmas with Santa’s dog…okay what the F, David Blaine?? Am I right?

My best friend, Daniel “Paco” Chapman, has recently alerted me to the find of the century, The Air-Buddies DVD Combo-Pack! (Or as Paco calls it “The Everything that’s Wrong with Disney Pack.”) So now, just in time for the holidays, if you really want to chase away your loved ones, you can buy them 6 hours of video that would make Walt Disney roll over in his cryogenic chamber!

In short, in the previews for these movies, instead of saying that “Disney proudly presents,” they should say “Disney humbly presents.” Because anybody whose proud of releasing a movie about talking dogs in space probably has a learning disability or two.

People Who Think Guns are Cool

As a kid, I remember being pretty average. I played sports, liked cartoons, and I had a group of normal friends. However, I remember one day when I wasn’t so sure if they were normal. One day during recess, I remember one of my friends asking me which war was my favorite. What kind of a question is that? You might as well ask me which terrorist high jacking I thought was coolest on 9-11.

The weird thing was how much he knew about wars and guns. It’s not like any of his family members were in the armed forces. He really had no reason to know anything about this stuff. It seemed like he just assumed that I thought they were cool (like apparently every boy should) and wanted to show off his knowledge of  irrelevant weaponry.

I was watching the award winning HBO TV miniseries, Band of Brothers, with my floor mates at Seattle Pacific Univeristy the other day. During a really charming scene where a soldier gets graphically run over by a tank, two of the more headstrong fellas on my floor struck up an argument that made me question how I feel about gun control. One (the ROTC kid on our floor) started arguing with the other (the most stubborn, Right Wing guy I’ve ever met) about the kind of guns the Americans were using. It might have gone down one way if the argument had lasted all of five seconds, but something really rubbed me the wrong way as I listened to the both of them refuse to admit that they might not know every detail about a war that was over 46  years before they were born.

Why do so many regular people strive to know so much about guns? I get why someone in combat would. A good knowledge of riflery will keep them alive. But why would does a stubborn, Right Wing college student at a safe private university strive to know so much about guns when I assume he will never need to use one in his life? You don’t ever hear rap artists discussing the newest innovations in farming technology. Why? because they have no need for them (and because they’re too busy corrupting the youth).

Theodore Roosevelt always said to “walk softly, but carry a big stick.” Now that’s great if the stick is in the hands of a wise soldier who knows why they’re holding it, but what if the little nightmare swinging the stick is at half-mast thinking about all piñatas he’s going to murder with it? What if he’s a total doucher who bases a crumb of his Teddy-Gram sized confidence on how much he knows about that stick? Or worse, what if he doesn’t even need a stick, and just wants to talk about them all the time?

Bottom line, guns are NOT worth arguing about. Especially, while I’m struggling to sympathize with so many insignificant characters in Band of Brothers.

D-Bags

A D-Bag is someone who acts like a moron and thinks that their opinions are completely logical even though their opinions are actually directed by what people think of them. Most of this blog will be dedicated to them.

Ironically, 95% of what D-bags say is an attempt to convince you that they don’t care what you think (the other 5% is about their shirtless Myspace pictures). And if you don’t instantly believe that they’re apathetic about your opinion, they’ll try even harder to force the idea down your throat.

Put simply, they care a lot about you thinking that they don’t care.

Almost instinctively, D-Bags flock together to express themselves. Their habitats vary from…

Fraternities…

Gyms…

beaches (on the covers of GQ magazines)…

at bars, playing pool…

at car shows…

or at local parties, acting hood to impress girls…

More? Here’s a link to an informative video!

To sum it all up, if a guy starts bragging to you about his car, his newfound beliefs, that song he wrote, or his athletic ability; he’s a total D-bag.