James Cameron’s Avatar

Well, it’s been over a month since James Cameron finally released the film he has been working on for fifteen years. After seeing the film, I’m confused. What was this guy doing for fifteen years? The official story is that he was waiting for the 3D technology to be developed. Personally, I don’t buy that. Below is a scrappy, textual timeline which describes what I imagine he was up to for all those years.

Click the pic for reasons not to ask him for an autograph...

1994 – During one of James Cameron’s daily movie marathon of films he has directed himself,  Cameron notices his cat’s negative reaction to mention of the word “Skynet” (actually the cat is just constantly meowing out of hunger because James Cameron hasn’t fed him for weeks.  He’s been too busy watching all of his movies again and again). He decides his cat must hate corporate America as much as he does. Cameron begins a decade-long obsession, spending the next few months trying to teach his cat to walk, talk, and appreciate strong female characters.

1995 – After a year of failure, James Cameron goes to see Disney’s Pocahontas. He is asked to leave the theater after clapping and cheering every time the British military is portrayed as sadistic. He returns the next day and is again kicked out after sobbing uncontrollably every time the titular character does anything empowering. He returns every day for weeks until he is banned from the theater for punching a man whose wife compared the film to Kevin Costner’s Dances With Wolves (1990). Depressed, decides to shoot footage of the only mess bigger than him, the Titanic.

"What do you mean 'historically innacurate?'"

1996 – James Cameron sleeps outside the local Wal-Mart for three weeks with his cat waiting to get his VHS copy of Pocahontas. Finally in line to purchase his movie, he overhears someone describing the movie, Fern Gully. Intrigued, Cameron buys it as well. The next few months are spent in front of the TV watching each film again and again and again. Many trips are made back to the store to repurchase the movies after his tapes wear out. During one of these trips, Cameron runs into Linda Hamilton, his baby mama who starred in the first two terminators. He had forgotten all about his daughter since he got his cat.

1997 – James Cameron’s “masterpiece”, Titanic, is released in theaters. He makes tons of money which he uses to buy more cats, promising to stay true to his original feline friend. To tell his favorite cat from the rest, he paints her blue. Soon after his film is released, he marries Linda Hamilton. Cameron tries at first to hide his marriage from his cat, worrying she will be outraged at his unfaithfulness. Surprisingly, the cat seems indifferent. Cameron wonders if maybe animals are less emotionally complex than people. He laughs and quickly shakes off the notion.

1998 – James Cameron grows less happy with his marriage. He wishes that the intimacy he experiences with his wife could be felt with his blue cat.

1999 – James Cameron sees Star Wars Episode I. For the next few weeks, James Cameron pretends he’s in space. When he is asked to come to dinner, he’s claims that there’s no oxygen at the dinner table and sneaks off with his blue cat. His wife doesn’t stay with him much longer.

...say what you want, but at least Jar Jar didn't have a ponytail/appendage...

2000 – Surviving Y2K (or as he called it, “the rise of Skynet”), James Cameron shuns all technology. He spends all his time outside, listening to all his neighbors have fun connecting to the internet. He wishes he could connect to the tree outside his house instead of the stupid internet. He is joined by Suzy Amis, an actress who he marries soon afterwards.

2001 – Unaware of 9/11 because of his technophobia, James Cameron is enraged to hear that troops are being sent overseas. He can only imagine the villainous military from Pocahontas.

Watch out kids! They're just trying to steal your oil!!! Haven't you seen Avatar???

2002 – Cameron sees Star Wars Episode II. Cameron finds himself wishing he could ride the creatures from the movie. Still afraid of the internet and longing to legally marry his cat, Cameron mentally constructs a world where people sexually connect with animals for intimacy and trees for information.

2003 – James Cameron draws creatures for his world. He slightly changes the appearance of actual animals (adding two legs and odd shaped mouths), and is very please with himself (as usual). Worried people will notice, he makes them weird colors and takes away all their hair.

2004 – James Cameron is approached about creating a space epic. Excited, Cameron celebrates by growing his hair long. When he is told by his wife that it looks gross, he tells her that his cat likes it. He secretly wishes that there was a disturbing biological purpose for his long hair.

2005 – James Cameron watches a new show on Nickelodeon called Avatar: The Last Airbender. Excited about a show that is all about no technology, he watches it as much as possible, forgetting to feed his blue cat.

Wait...that creature has more than four legs...shouldn't it be in Avatar?

2006 – Cameron’s blue cat dies from starvation. James Cameron blames Nickelodeon. He swears vengeance on the cartoon and names his project Avatar so that Nickelodeon can never acquire the rights to the title and make a feature film.

2007 – James Cameron starts a rumor that he’s a creative genius. He tells everyone to tell a friend. It quickly becomes the most successful pyramid scheme known to man.

2008 – While watching Pocahontas for the 100,000,000,000th time, Cameron gets a phone call from Jon Landau, Avatar‘s c0-producer. Pressured to quickly design a storyboard for his movie, Cameron quickly puts together the first thing that comes to his mind, checking back on his movie from time to time for no specific reason.

2009 – Avatar is released into theaters. Liberals in theaters all over the country make Pee Wee Herman proud.

"I swear, if anyone uses the word 'predictable'..."

So there you have it. This is how James Cameron came up with that movie that’s making so much money. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a fan. Yea it was visually phenomenal, but it was about as original as a twelve-year-old girls Myspace page. It was all beauty no brains. Basically, it was the cinematic incarnate of everyone that sat at the “cool table” in high school. Ironically, I felt like all the army scenes were written by the kids from my high school that wore black and hated the Iraq war (even though they were politically uneducated).

I will say this though. If you like recycled plot lines, less-than-believable characters, and tooooons of bestiality…well, then this movie might be for you!